She’s like an adolescent ocelot, leaping and twisting in the air in pursuit of a dragon fly, not so much interested in catching it as flying with it. I don’t know a lot about figure skating. I watch it with great interest every four years. And that was the best performance I’ve ever seen by far. It was an unmatched fusion of agility, grace, and sequins. And the best part is, unlike many of the others, she was just havin’ fun out there. Watching an artist or an athlete, or in this case, both, take such joy in their craft, nearly always reinforces my opinion that mankind might just make it after all.
Orlando: Ladies? Me again. Mark. Set aside how irresistibly adorable I am and how I make you laugh, and how much it melts your heart when I sing you silly songs I wrote about your little dog, and how very sturdy and broad my shoulders are, and try for now to just think of me as your friend. Listen, friend. When you’re making a frozen pizza for your man, save that little cardboard circle that came with it okay, pal?
Don’t go into psycho-clean mode and throw it away along with all traces of your existence. Save it. You’re going to need it. Open the oven door, and if you have the skill, just slide the cardboard right under the pizza. Otherwise, get one of your little long pizza grabber utensils you bought at Dean & Deluca. Get it under the pizza, get the pizza on the cardboard, cut it.
Now I know there are plenty of ladies out there who already know not to throw away the cardboard circle. But in my many years of witnessing the frozen pizza cooking process over and over, through college and well into my adult life, I can tell you that saving the cardboard circle comes much more naturally to men.
I’ll let you in on a secret. For us, whether or not you throw away the cardboard is like a Cinderella Slipper Test. If you save that cardboard like a champ and use it, well that’s how we’ll know you’re special.
Hey you two! What do you two think you’re doing? Why don’t you go find a nice maple syrup or some dehydrated diced apples to hang out with Oatmeal. And you, soap. I’ll see YOU in the shower.
